The Sad Thing That Happened To That Cow

On Friday,  I worked with a class of Year 3 children. I had put together some lessons about humour in fiction. We explored what made a good comedic character and we explored the importance of plot. The kids created some characters and then, working with the kids, we put the bare bones of a plot together, keenly attempted to bring their odd characters together. 

Then the kids spent time acting out improvised retellings of the play. I told them that I would write up our story if they behaved themselves, and they were an absolute treat, so this is their story.

 

The Story We Created on Red Nose Day:

 

THE SAD THING THAT HAPPENED TO THAT COW

Doodie DJ is our baddy. He is a thief, a robber and a burglar. A proper baddy. Luckily, he was caught in the act and thrown into prison. Doodie DJ had been kept in a secret prison in the middle of the jungle, and for years, he had been plotting a way to escape.

 

One day, the prison guards were having a party. One of them was dressed as a leopard. One was dressed as a parrot. One was dressed as a big old horsey. One of them couldn’t make it to the party, so her costume was left on the floor. It was a cow suit.

 

Doodie DJ was watching this from his prison cell. He saw the cow suit on the floor, and using his big long criminal arm, he reached out and grabbed it.

 

Quickly and silently, he climbed into the cow suit and got in a cow position, on all fours.

 

One of the prisoner officers walked by and saw him.

 

“Ey!!! What’s a cow doing in prison?! They don’t belong here! Oy, get out, cow!”

 

The prison officer opened the gate and shooed Doodie DJ out into the jungle.

 

He was free. He couldn’t believe his luck.

 

Suddenly, something bashed into him. He expected it to be an angry guard but it wasn’t…

 

“HELLOOOOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL.”

 

It was another cow. A real one. A jungle cow (they exist ok). It had hairy legs and a great personality.

 

It continued flirting.

 

“I AM SO LUCKY TO HAVE FOUND A COW LIKE YOU! LET’S BE COWS TOGETHER!”

 

Doodie DJ was creeped out by this, but he realised that if they were together they wouldn’t look suspicious. It could probably help him to go around in a pair, so he decided to go with it. They stomped off as quickly as their hooves could carry them.

 

The real cow was very pleased because he found his soulmate.

 

Meanwhile, in the prison, the officers realised what had happened. One prisoner office was properly livid. She was raging. She was fuming. Her name was Scarlet.

 

“I will find that beastly thief if it is the last thing I ever do!!!” She boomed. She grabbed Rainbow, her fearless tiny unicorn, and shoved it in her backpack and sprinted off into the jungle. She is so fierce. We love her.

 

The two cows continued through the trees.

 

“When we get married…” said the cow,

“I am thinking of wearing leather. How about you?”

 

Doodie DJ took a deep breath and wondered how life had got like this, making marriage plans with a big old cow.

 

“I shall wear mooooooooooooooonboooooooots,” Doodie replied.

 

The cow thought this was hilarious, and this is how that type of cheese called Laughing Cow got invented.

“I am so pleased I found you,” mooed the real cow to the fake one.

 

Doodie smiled in his cow suit. Cow was actually pretty cool.

 

Suddenly, a river could be seen ahead. They trotted forwards. Doodie could see the helicopter across the river; he would just need to get across.

 

He looked over to Cow. Cow nodded – they were in this together.

 

Doodie DJ stepped into the waters, which were so calm, and began stomping. Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he saw something in the water. He did!

 

Water began splashing everywhere and Cow started crying out in confusion,

 

“MY HOOVES, MY HOOVES, MY HOOVES”

 

In an instant, out jumped a shark that was about 80% shark, but 20% cat and the 20% cat was the face. It was a shark with a face of a cat. Just imagine it, and then you will know how scared Doodie and Cow were.

 

The shark bobbed its horrible menacing face out of the water and started to growl.

 

“I’M GONNA TEAR YOU COWS TO PIECES miaow YOU JUST WAIT TIL I GET YOU IN MY JAWS miaow miaow I’M GOING TO TURN YOU INTO BEEF JERKY miaowwwwwww”

 

Doodie told Cow to step back. Doodie would clearly be fighting the shark-cat, whose named was Sharka (we know this because it was wearing a name badge in its fin).

 

Doodie got closer, still in costume, and squared up to Sharka, speaking like a badman.

 

“Don’t mess wi’ me yeah rudeboi”.

 

Then they began scrapping. Sharka did some headbutts. Doodie did some punches.

 

Cow was hiding in a bush, watching.

 

But… quietly… behind Cow, Scarlet was getting closer.

 

“Look!” whispered Scarlet to the unicorn in her bag.

 

“There he is! There’s Doodie DJ in the cow suit! He’s hiding in that bush” She pointed to Cow, the real cow, whose massive massive bottom was swaying in the bush.

 

“Now is our time” Scarlet whispered.

 

Cow had no idea. Suddenly, Scarlet grabbed Cow’s tail.

 

“Ooooooooooooooooooo  how dare you I’ve never been so offended in all my life”, screamed Cow.

 

Scarlet bopped her on the head like Little Rabbit Foo Foo, and Cow fell asleep.

 

Meanwhile, Doodie had beaten Sharka to death (Rest in Pieces) and he turned to see Scarlet dragging Cow back through the jungle to the prison.

 

Music started playing, like the romantic bits in films.

 

Doodie DJ started crying for a few minutes.

 

“You were a great friend Cow. Be strong my friend. Be strong.”

 

Doodie DJ took a deep breath and looked back at the river, which now had a floating shark-cat bobbing about in it like a bad bag of crisps.

 

He saw the helicopter. He thought of freedom and ran. He splashed through the river and climbed up on the riverbank. He jumped through some ferns and onto the concrete.

 

He opened the door of the helicopter and got in.

 

Then this robot alien thing called Mess Boomer just appeared and punched the helicopter and it exploded and they both died.
The End

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